Just a small thing…

It’s just a small thing. Compared to everything else. But there is a habit I’ve developed that is so frustrating me and wasting my time.

I feel so unmotivated and at limbo. It’s not that I don’t have projects on that I’m excited about. It’s more that I’m in this waiting state. I keep telling myself to do better, but then each day I fall harder into the habits I’m trying to break. I feel a bit of a fraud – especially writing this blog and encouraging people, even I can’t find my own footing.

One habit I’ve fallen into is scrolling. Yes, it’s been part of my daily experience for some years, but since lock-down during Covid-19, in New Zealand, this habit is more like an addiction.

My time gets sucked into the phone on different apps and social media depending on my day. If I have the slightest break or time spent waiting, or time I should be doing something else, but it isn’t urgent, I find myself on my phone.

The last month it has gotten a lot worse. Just constant, and it’s bugging the hell out of me. I keep telling myself something like, “only 10 minutes more” and 45 minutes goes past and I’m so pissed off. This is not me. I’m not this person. I’m a middle aged professional, goal orientated creative – stuck scrolling!!! I know this is a small thing, but just felt I needed to write about it.

The only person here to blame is me and I’ve got to get out of this situation. I want to identify a few things before I move on, maybe clarify, for myself, how the phone can work for me and how it works against me.

Something I do enjoy with my phone is taking images. This one is from Shelly Beach, northwest of Auckland.

The phone I have, probably like yours, is a computer attached to a network with constant changing, growing information. If I randomly want to know something, like you, I Google it. If I need to get somewhere, I use maps. I use my phone to message, email, bank, and so it goes on. In this way it is an asset, a tool to use in our society. These are functions that make sense. But then there are other functions like social media, which is touted as a place to stay connected. And yes, they do keep me connected to friends, I also use social media in business and creative opportunities. This is not new, I’m not writing about something you don’t already know, I’m just trying to work it through for myself.

It’s not that there is an amount of time that is OK, and a time that is not OK. That is up to the individual. But for me I’ve passed some kind of comfort zone. What I’m finding is that I’m unhappy about this time. When Covid-19 first started I kept checking the news, which led into scrolling, waiting for more news, and then news that gets interpreted on social media sites, friends’ comments and so this watching, waiting, reading, scrolling began. Now it’s more just a way to lose my time, a willingness to suspend a lived experience for a mind on hold, dulled by pictures and posts.

So, what to do…

To think more on this and review my thoughts and behavior patterns I’ve decided to have a social media free weekend.

Just writing that seems such a letdown – how could I get to this point.

Lol.

Sigh.

Anyway, that’s what I did.

Saturday seemed to go fine. I did find myself needing to keep ‘busy’. Happy accident that this busy was productive but I don’t believe ‘busy’ is always the best remedy.

Sunday was more difficult. I did glance at a couple of posts a few times, but did not stay to scroll. I also used my phone apps more – probably substituting phone time.

Now it’s Monday morning.

I think there is a couple of things I need to do. First, I’m going to remove Facebook app off my phone. I don’t need it. I don’t even like Facebook. So why feel obliged to have it?

And, I’m going to limit my time on Instagram. I think it’s the only way for me. See how I go anyway.

But I don’t want to go back to how its been these last months.

I want to move on. That was that.

Not sure this was helpful, or that interesting but it is what I have for now.

Catch you next week. xx

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